Degree: BA Studio Art
University: Scripps College
Graduation Year: 2020
How is one meant to create when your life as you know it has fallen to shambles?
I know it could be worse, I’m lucky, both my family and I are healthy,
But still, shambles.
I know many artists, myself included, thrive in the darkest days of their own mind,
However, this is different.
This isn’t dark,
This is nothing.
I wake up, I want to do nothing, see nothing, be nothing.
How do you even record ‘nothing’?
Academically that isn’t allowed, in that sense, you have failed.
Do I create for the sake of creating?
What do they want from me –
A mental breakdown?
Me to accept defeat and give up creating?
Someone please tell me –
As I don’t know,
And whatever I think I know – they will tell me is wrong.
My recent work has been a meditation on how to record ‘nothing.’ An exercise to stop consciously thinking and make without expectation or preconception, rather, emotions. In the solitudes of self-isolation, as your life as you knew it was abrasively uprooted and sent packing across the world, I spent weeks tormented by any notion of creativity and fear of forced creativity for the sake of creating.
‘Fu*k it’ stands apart from the earlier stages of ‘this’ and ‘that.’ During ‘this’ and ‘that,’ one doesn’t accept their work. Confidence is still lost, creativity is forced, and the outcome is work that tries to be what it used to be. ‘Fu*k it’ signifies the new. Thoughts become actions through the realization that one’s work doesn’t have to conform to is original intention; how could it while we are all living in a ‘new-normal’ world where nothing is what it was.
My work is my artistic means of processing, reflecting, and understanding. Recently, I produced drawings every day that record my emotions as they manifest themselves. Each of these are done on pages from the Financial Times newspaper, cataloging the date, as well as the economic catastrophe that accompanies the COVID-19 health crisis. Working without expectation or preconception, what started as rash, aggressive applications of color and line slowly matured with each day. In turn, taking me from nothing to something. From this grouping, I noticed prevenient applications of color and line, which then have gone on to inspired oil paintings; created through the process of extracting, layering, and combining said prevenient features.